Don’t Breathe

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Hello all!

Hope everyone is doing well. Today I want to rant about a movie I was so excited to watch.  Until I watched it.  Then my excitement turned to slight disgust, slight disgust turned into full on disgust, which then turned into me looking at my lovely man and asking why we were watching it.  Only I didn’t turn it off because I wanted to see how it ended.  That was disappointing too.

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Don’t Breathe cover art

Basically this is a movie about a few wayward teens (maybe they’re teens, I don’t know to be honest), who break into a blind mans house to rob him.  One of the teens, well two of the teens, do it for love.  The other?  He just wants to rob the old man, spoiler alert, he’s the first to die.

So, flaw one so far? Teens who may not be teens robbing a blind man.   Flaw two? Plot! Oh my god, the plot.  It was a good idea. Executed very poorly.  It was billed as a horror movie and it had a couple jump scares, not even good jump scares, but over all it was bad.  Just so so bad!

Now, if you want to watch this movie I won’t ruin it for you.  But for anyone who wants the full spoilers version just so you don’t have to watch it I’ll continue on.  Normally I won’t post spoilers on movies on here, because I don’t want to ruin movies for you guys, but this time around I want to save you from wasting your time.

Following this are spoilers, just a warning.

This movie got really weird, really fast once they break into his home.  Basically, the man is in mourning for his daughter that was killed by a drunk driver. Well, in order to regain an heir he kidnaps the drunk driver that killed his daughter, and impregnates her.  But not in a traditional way.  Nope. We’re going with the turkey baster method.

He keeps this poor girl tied up in the basement, the only door in his home that’s locked.  The door that our unknowing robbers somehow get into. I honestly don’t remember how, I kind of blocked that from my mind after I hit the total mind fuck moment of ‘oh, there’s a pregnant girl in the basement’ and noped out.  I did finish the movie, but because of my nope moment some details aren’t too clear.

The girl in the basement that is pregnant ends up dying too at some point.

He kills both the male robbers in different ways, and once the female robber escapes he sets his dog on her and recaptures her.  This is where shit gets even more weird.

When the female robber comes to, shes suspended from the ceiling in…yup! You guessed it. The basement.  Beings the robbers killed his newest would be spawn he needs to get another one.   It’s at this time we find out he won’t touch the girl, but uses a turkey baster.

Somehow she ends up getting free, pretty sure it was the nerdier robber that was low-key in love with her that helped free her.  The old man is injured and they think he’s dead.  She takes off with her kid to the train station and sees on the news that he’s still alive.

Pretty generic horror movie plot right?  Can’t screw it up? HA! and again HA!  I was insanely disappointed. I’m sure that I’m missing a few small details, and for that I’m sorry.  But to be honest, those details wont make this movie any better.

It’s a movie I’m glad I didn’t pay to see in theaters, if I had I would’ve been even more disappointed than I already was.

If you liked it and you’re sitting there thinking to yourself “Quiet_Introvert, you have no class, this is a fantastic movie” then to each their own, man.  Everyone has different tastes.  But if you’re like me and you watched it while scratching your head wondering why the hell you watched this movie, well, we’re in the same boat friend.

Would  I recommend this movie? Bottom line, no I wouldn’t.

Catch you guys on the flip side,

Quiet_Introvert.

 

 

Underwhelming Beauty

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Hello Friends!

I’m back again with another review! And I promised last time it would be something more recent, so today it is! I thought I would review Beauty and the Beast.  I was so incredibly excited when I heard it was being made.  When I was growing up, before the Disney princesses were as big of thing as they are now, Beauty and the Beast was my favorite princess movie.

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Beauty and the Beast

Now, I will admit, I did not go to the theatre to see it.  I had every intention of going.  My lovely Fiance (who is not a fan of musicals whatsoever) was going to take me.   The week before the day we were going to go was a long week at work for me.  Lots of kids and their parents, and just craziness in general.  So I requested that we not go because I wasn’t sure if I could deal with more kids and their parents.  Then after that, it went by the way side because other movies were coming out that we wanted to see more.

So, there came a day a couple of weeks ago (after playing a wonderful drinking version of NSFW Exploding Kittens) that we decided to watch it.  In my drunken state I was so excited to see it I could barely eat the food in front of me while watching my favorite childhood film play out with real LIVE people!  Yet, the more and more I watched it, I was feeling very underwhelmed.  The magic that I loved about Beauty and the Beast just wasn’t there.

It wasn’t in the casting, Luke Evans was amazing as Gaston, and Herm… I mean Emma Watson was beautiful as Belle (see what I did there?! HA!).  Even the CGI Beast was fantastic.  The talking furniture was fantastic, especially Lumiere (voiced by the wonderful Ewan McGregor) in all of his cheekiness.  And Cogsworth, don’t even get me started on him (I absolutely adored him, and I adore the charming knight behind his voice Sir Ian McKellen).  None of that was my issue.

Casting was great, CGI was great.  Yet I was still feeling underwhelmed.

So I decided, maybe it’s because I was in an inebriated state.  I am currently rewatching it.  And to be honest with you? I’m still underwhelmed.

I went into it hoping it would be like the live action Jungle Book, which in my opinion was fantastic.

The costumes, singing, dancing, and everything was so spot on!  Maybe I played it up in my mind so much because it was my favorite princess movie when I was a child. There was something just…lacking.

Now I know what you’re thinking “Jeeze Quiet_Introvert, how many times are you going to say underwhelming and lacking!?  It’s a bloody kids movie!”  Well… I’m going to say it as many times as I want until I get my point across. So meh!

Should you watch it? Yes, see it at least once, especially if you have children or if Beauty and the Beast was a movie that you loved as a child.  Also, watching Emma Watson get pegged square in the face with a large snowball is quite worth it.  Don’t take that comment the wrong way, I do love her acting, but it was really funny.

Catch you guys on the flip-side with a new review!

Quiet_Introvert.

 

The Weird Story of a Man and His Walrus…

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Let me start this by saying, I love Kevin Smith movies.  I think the man is fantastic. I had my very first introduction to his movies as a 14 year old girl, sneaking around behind my mom’s back watching Jay and Silent Bob Strike back.  Of course, at the time I didn’t really get any of the jokes until I was older.  But that was my introduction.

As I grew older, I watched Clerks, Dogma, and even Clerks the cartoon! I couldn’t get enough.  So imagine my surprise when he was talking about Tusk on Facebook! I finally had a chance to watch it a couple of weeks back (behind the times I know…don’t judge me.)  And wow.  It did not disappoint in the sheer wtf-ness of his usual style.

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I was laying in bed watching this movie while my guy was snoring away next to me.  Justin Long was amazing in this, but the best part was Michael Parks as Mr. Howard Howe.  Could just me be though because I have a soft spot for him after watching him in Kill Bill.

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Mr. Howard Howe

Now I can hear you asking “Quiet_Introvert, will you stop this rambling and tell us what this movie is about?!” Well fine! I’ll tell you!

Justin Long stars as Wallace Bryton, who runs a podcast with his best friend Teddy Craft played by none other than the kid from the Sixth Sense, Haley Joel Osment.  What’s the name of this podcast you might ask? The NotSee Party.  The movie starts off with the two of them making fun of The Kill Bill Kid, who essentially cuts off his leg.  Wallace decides to go to Canada and meet this kid and interview him for the podcast.

After arriving in the great white north, he arrives at the kids house only to have it be on the day of the funeral. Well, shit.  After this unforeseen issue, Wallace arrives at a restaurant (I swear there’s a good reason I’m mentioning this). While there, he has to use the facilities, upon standing at the urinal he sees a letter from Mr. Howe, explaining that he is a lonely old man and has many stories to tell.  YAY! The podcast isn’t doomed after all.

He calls Mr. Howe and ends up in a little convenience store ran by none other than Kevin Smith’s own flesh and blood Harley Quinn Smith (dig the name by the way) and Johnny Depp’s not so kiddish kid, Lily-Rose Depp.   I’ll let you watch the movie for this scene, it’s pretty damn funny.  Then we’re on our way to Mr. Howe.

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Harley Quinn Smith (Left) Lily-Rose Depp (Right)

Now Mr. Howe once lived with a walrus, aptly named Mr. Tusk.  He tells Wallace many stories of his time with Mr. Tusk, and how he grew to love the walrus.  No, it’s not that kind of movie, more of a brotherly love. Things get really weird from here. There’s drugging involved, and waking up missing appendages.  It’s definitely not for the faint of heart.

I don’t want to give too much away, because I hate those reviews where you’ve seen the whole movie before even watching it.  You will get to see a man slowly descend into madness by way of Walruses, his friends trying to rescue him from said madness, and even Johnny Depp shows up for a bit!  It’s a total win win in my opinion.

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Johnny Depp as Detective Guy Lapointe

So… is this movie fucked up? Oh yeah.  Is it awesome? Definitely.  Should you watch it?  That my friends would be a resounding hell yes.  Because where else would you get to hear some awesome stories about Cana-Do’s and Cana-Don’ts, walruses, and it’s such a transformation story! Oh man, I loved this movie.  Go watch it. Enjoy it and tell me what you think!

This movie had me roped in as a hockey lover when they were discussing your Cana-Do’s and your Cana-Don’ts. It’s Brilliant.

I will however add in the following picture and let you think on this….

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I promise I’ll post about something more recent here pretty soon.

 

Catch you on the flipside,

Quiet_Introvert.